Nerdy Jokes

[Harry]

An old favourite and specifically requested by 67105112104101114, so here it is! A place for your nerdy jokes. (Or nerdiest, no room for just the nerdier ones though.)

[Anonymous]

Thanks Harry.
An infectious disease enters a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind in here.” It replies, “Well you’re not a very good host.”

[Anonymous]

A neutron walks into a bar and asks for a drink. It then asks how much he owes. The bartender replies:

‘For you, no charge’.

[Anonymous]

A scientist and his friend walk into a bar.
The scientist says “I’ll have some H2O.”
The friend says “I’ll have some H2O too.”

The friend dies.

[Anonymous]

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar…

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

“I don’t serve half-beers” the bartender replies

“Excuse me?” Asks mathematician #2

“What kind of bar serves half-beers?” The bartender remarks. “That’s ridiculous.”

“Oh c’mon” says mathematician #1 “do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along”

“There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn’t serve you half a beer even if I wanted to.”

“But that’s not a problem” mathematician #3 chimes in “at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-”

“I know how limits work” interjects the bartender

“Oh, alright then. I didn’t want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics”

“Are you kidding me?” The bartender replies, “you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?”

“HE’S ON TO US” mathematician #1 screeches

Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.

The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. “FOOLS” it booms in unison, “I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA”

The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. “But wait” he inturrupts, thinking fast, “if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!”

The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. “My God, you’re right. We didn’t think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!” and with that, they vanish.

A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. “How did you know that that would work?”

“It’s simple really” the bartender says. “I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative.”

[EDIT, Harry: Well the setup was just about worth the punchline and I have to be honest, I didn’t see it coming!]

• This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Harry.
• This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Harry.

[Anonymous]

Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one asks the bartender, “Could I have some H2O please?” The second one said “Why did you call it H2O? I’d like some water too.” The first one leaves the bar immediately, his assassination attempt had failed.

[Anonymous]

I saw this one in our physics corridor and laughed my head off for a solid 10 minutes:

If you break the laws of man, you go to jail.
If you break the laws of God, you go to hell.
If you break the laws of Physics, you go to Sweden to receive your Nobel Prize!

[Anonymous]

Pascal, Einstein and Newton are playing hide and seek. It is Einstein’s turn to be seeker. Whilst Pascal runs off and hides, Newton chalks out a metre-wide square underneath him. When Einstein opens his eyes, he cries “Found you!” Newton replies: You haven’t found a Newton. You found a Newton over a square metre – you found a Pascal!

Sorry, its kind of an old joke…

[Anonymous]

I love Ailerons, because that’s how I roll

[Anonymous]

Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “do you all want a drink?”
“Maybe.” replies the first
“Maybe” replies the second
“Yes” replies the third. “Three drinks please.”

[Anonymous]

A hyperbole totally rips into an awesome bar and destroys it loudly

[EDIT, water_biscuit: surely it would be deafeningly?]

• This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by .
• This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by .

[Anonymous]

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?

Pumpkin pi

[Anonymous]

Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar and doesn’t.

[Anonymous]

What does a subatomic duck say?

Quark…

[Anonymous]

Newton walks into Einstein’s house and looks at his wall of special relativity. He looks to Einstein and then back to his wall and finds his equation (E = MC^2) and says “wow, that is derivative”.

[Author]

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